A Moment

This is day three in the #Reverb10 project.

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

It was an entirely unremarkable day in very late February except for one subtle difference. I believed that I would make it through.

I would make it through the two-to-three hour around the clock feedings, the sore neck and back, and the exhaustion associated with it all.

I would make it through the feeling of drowning in responsibilities for carrying for myself, my children and my husband.

I would make it through the secret wishes of not wanting to have my husband touch me again, ever.

I would make it through the irritability, lethargy and the fog permeating my perspective on life.

I would make it through the smell of acrid, sour spit-up on my puffy, bloated skin.

I would make it through the soreness and itching of another low transverse uterine incision.

I would make it through the pain, longing and second guessing involved with the failed vbac attempt.

I would make it through the feelings of jealousy and disappointment when I heard about another successful vbac mama.

I would make it through the disgust with my bulging, swollen postpartum body.

I believed I would make it through.

I would find more joy than exhaustion in spending amazing moments in the middle of the night nursing my baby girl.

I would, once again, find joy in cooking, baking and caring for my family.

I would look forward to tender, intimate moments with my husband who had a new appreciation for what my body was capable of.

The fog would lift, and I would return to my normal irritable, nap-loving self.

I would begin to smell like squished pears, pancakes and my favorite perfume.

I would value the scar as the entryway to this world for MY babies.

I would make peace with how my body birthed MY babies.

I would be brought to tears of happiness upon hearing that another vbac mama walks the earth supported and nurtured.

I would, once again, stand in awe of my body and how it could grow, support and feed my children.


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